Just being there

Just Being There

She sat across from me, arms and legs crossed, head slightly raised and turned away.

I, an 80-year-old woman with limited mobility, had come to speak to her about something that had been bothering me. Her task was simple: figure out where the pain truly lay.

She was uncomfortable. She knew she didn’t have much time and just wanted to get through what needed to be done. And that all within the limited time she had as a caregiver. She spoke nearly the entire time. She kept talking, offering solutions, working hard. She was doing her best to fix everything. She didn't ask a lot of questions. 

After a while, we stopped the exercise. We talked about how it had gone. "Not great!" was her honest response. I suggested she try something different: to sit back more relaxed, to stay silent, and simply listen. To ask questions only when necessary. She didn’t seem convinced that it would work.

The second conversation lasted no more than three minutes. This time she did her best not to try so hard. She simply was. Her body became more relaxed, she spoke less and every now and then she asked a question and really listened. I felt safe to open up and to speak freely. I loosened up. Her new behavior worked for the both of us. In just a few minutes she uncovered what had been going on and what she could do to help “me.”

When it was over she sat quietly, looking at me. There were tears in her eyes, and the room felt still. “It’s so nice not to have to do anything, not to fix things but just to be there! I work so hard, feeling like everything depends on me! It’s such a relief to realize that’s not the case. And... it’s also a bit scary. I am used to fix everything."
I could see the weight lift from her shoulders. How wonderfully beautiful!

It happens to all of us, doesn’t it? 

We talk more than we listen. We shout our opinions everywhere, both online and offline. We want to be heard, seen and valued. But I believe those needs are better fulfilled when we truly connect with others—by listening, being relaxed, and learning to see how the other person moves and what they really say.

Still, being quiet and not having to do anything can be quite the challenge!